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New atmosphere. There is always so much pressure to make sure you give a lasting impression. Especially when you're a youngster around an older crowd. The only reason that the younger ones will feel intimidated is because the people around them are older, which doesn't make them cooler. Most of the people I was with last night were actually really lame. But the age difference is what usually makes youngsters look a little stupid

My first trip. I was with my best friend. Elizabeth. We have been good friends since 8th grade, and drugs always fascinated her and me. We always wanted to try. We were separated at high school, and ventured on our own with it. But then one day, she called me up like normal, and proposed the idea of going to a show, fuerzabruta. She explained that it was supposed to be a surreal show and she gave me some details on it. I said, YES! So her and I talked about the show everyday after. Then one day, I said, "Dude, we should go on acid". She loved the idea! Now we were on the hunt for some stamps. Her good friend Javi referred to a guy for me. It took a while for me to get the acid, and when I did, Elizabeth told me "I feel like a proud parent". HAHA. So, we went to this amazing show SOBER. After the show, we went to my house, and placed these one-centimeter small stamps under our tongues. We waited twenty minutes and then swallowed them. Immediately my body felt different but I knew I wasn't tripping. I felt the urge to touch everything including myself. I loved being touched. I was obsessed with it. I would rub my face against Elizabeth’s breasts and giggle because of the sensation given off after it. It was amazing. But we were both not seeing anything. Latter I looked at a pillow of mine that is circular and is purple with white swirls. I saw it move up and down! As if it were breathing! I loved it! I freaked out and said "Elizabeth! I'm fucking tripping!" Tripping was as if I was connected to everything. To the floor, to my thoughts, to the music, to any object. It was so beautiful. It was one big voyage, with mini segments of mental states and within those were mini trips. My mind just wandered until it couldn't and would snap back into reality! It felt amazing. There were really no bad parts to my trip. I thought I was dead through out the trip. I had to hear someone sober. I wanted to hear someone breathe. I needed to or else I'd feel unsatisfied. All the colors were really bright and everything had an orb around it at one point. Dancing felt as if I was swimming. I brushed my teeth with my sister's toothbrush. Brushing my teeth with an electric toothbrush felt as if I was getting a massage through out my entire body. When I would draw I would see all the colors merge together and melt. When I would write, the words would wash out and then pop up. I had to leave my small room even though I was able to keep traveling in it. I wanted more, so it took a lot of courage to finally walk down stairs outside. I was so happy once I ventured outside. I kept Elizabeth close to me because she wasn't used to my house so it wasn't familiar to her. I walked through the backyard, which is jungle like. There are lots of plants in the back, and a trail. I felt like a five year old looking at the world as if it was so big. I finally took Elizabeth and sat down and felt the mulch. It felt amazing. I loved it. Rubbing my hand through it gave me the best sensation in the night. I loved feeling plants that were alive. I loved seeing the worms move. It was beautiful. I feel as if LSD changed the way I look at the world. I feel more open to things in the world. I feel like love is real and you can feel it with anything. Closing my eyes and seeing spirals of life. Of color and religion. Feeling another person move next to me felt great. I now appreciate things that I've made and done art wise. It's hard and great. During my trip, I was obsessed with time. I didn't want my trip to end. Every two minutes I'd freak out and explain how two minutes have passed and that we need to make the most of our trip! But by the end of the trip, I learned to savor the moment and live for now not for the future. All my thoughts were colliding because it was too much. They exploded and were amazing. I loved that my senses increased. I loved smelling and hearing and seeing and touching and tasting everything. I really can't wait to do it again and I know that I have to do it with Elizabeth. I could keep going but I want to keep it between Elizabeth and myself. LSD was amazing because everything that happened, was in my head. The body is a beautiful thing. I love it and I love life now.

So I haven’t written in my livejournal for a couple days. It’s as if those couple days are the only days that I actually have something to write about.  On Tuesday, I hung out with this guy, Demmier. He’s nice. His life consists of marijuana and skating. He’s not hollow minded. I really love that. I hate when there is no depth. He’s Puerto Rican. He’s a sweetie. So I decided to skip school with him on Tuesday. We first went to Seth’s place and he smoked a little and I just watched. Then we went to McDonalds and got hash browns and lost my sketchbook.  I felt like shit after I lost my sketchbook. My sketchbook is my escape from reality. I don’t have many friends, so when I feel that society just keeps staring I pull out my sketchbook and sketch. It keeps me safe. I love it. But now it’s lost because I was too caught up in the moment with demmier. That really frustrated me. I hate that. Oh well. But after we went back and looked for it, he even dug in the trash, which New Kid wouldn’t even think of doing. I thought that it was a considerate act of showing that he cared enough to help me look for it. But anyway, we went to his house and we just cuddled. He then pulled out his stash and rolled up a joint. The way he rolled it was so swift and precise. I could never roll it like he did. He wasn’t even paying attention. It was a perfect tight cone and I loved how it looked. It was so cool. He then started smoking it like nothing. Then he offered me some and I was like uhh okay. Then I took a hit but it was so tight and perfectly rolled so I felt really dumb that I couldn’t inhale it because of how tight it was so he showed me how to. It was really fun. Then he got out his bowl and showed me how to use a bowl and I liked that too. It was a new experience. I felt really slow after. I really didn’t like that I smoked as much as I did. I wasn’t in the right state of mind when I was with him which I really didn’t like because I almost did have sex with him because my decision making skills were not keen at the moment. He kept asking if I was okay, and I couldn’t stop laughing. It was horrible. So then he knew that I wasn’t really in a perfect mindset and he stopped trying to get in my pants.  Most teenage boys would be like HELL YEAH SHES FUCKED UP I’M GOING TO GET FUCKED GOOOOD! I’m happy that he didn’t use me. I owe him for that.

Wednesday was a boring day. Nothing exciting happened at all. I was just really dumb all day and night and then I couldn’t see straight. Well after school I was locked out of the house and walked to the library and hung out with Kevin. Then after I started to walk home, Alex called him and then me and I walked around and talked for an hour. He’s a nice boy. He’s too nice. He’s my neighbor. He really opened up to me. He’s just so sweet. I would never like to see anything bad happen to him. I see a good future ahead of him.

Thursday I had my first therapist meet. She’s really down to earth. She officially told me that I am depressed but that I have enough common sense to cope with it in an intelligent manor, which actually made me feel good.

Today I skipped half of school and hung out with Demmier again. I feel safe with him. I really do. He’s beautiful. I never thought that him and I would ever be friends. In middle school he was the ghetto thug and I was this little scene kid in training! We met up and we went to this park called Lincoln Park and it was so cute. Then we played in the trees and then he walked me to this little food mart and got me a bite to eat. We went back to the park and it started POURING rain. So we just hung out under this tent that was there. It was really cute. Then he kissed me and then we just ate food and listened to music. After it stopped raining we went to his place. It’s so nice in there. I love his loft. It’s so comfortable. I really care about him. I mean I don’t like him a lot but I do care. He’s a good friend. He’s a cool guy to have around. He’s a lot better than Cristian. I hate new kid now. I really do. Now that I don’t talk to him he’s talking to the lowest of low people at our school. The dumbest of dumb girls. The ones that are easy and mindless. And you know what? He fits right in. He fits in perfectly. He’s just so dumb. I hate him. I want Demmier’s penis on me again. Aw he was so hard and he just wanted me so bad, that he pre came all over the place. He was so wet and he got so embarrassed. Aw. I didn’t think it was weird at all. He said, “Oh shit, and let me clean up”. I told him naw it’s cool. But he was shy about it. He’s so sweet. After we were done at his place, I said, “I got to get back to school.” Then he was like ALL RIGHT! And he got dressed. I don’t know why but what he was wearing made me so attracted to him. It was a pair of black dickies and a black long sleeve shirt and he always has a hat that somehow matches. He looked so good. When I told him that I was going to turn on this corner, and he was going somewhere else, and said okay, and kissed me. I didn’t expect him to kiss me. To be honest, I really think that he is embarrassed of me. That I’m not cool enough to hang out with me, so when he did that I totally changed my opinion. He really likes me. As I was walking back to school, I bumped into him again and then he said hey apple what’s up? Like we didn’t see each other that day, and I smiled and he got on his bus.

…Back at school… The attendance woman bitched me out and I got suckered into calling my aunt and saying that I got to school late and it was because I didn’t want to go to school. She was furious. But I think that she’s okay now. I’ll get bitched out latter, but it won’t be horrible.

Earlier today, Demmier was singing a song, “So you think you can tell, Heaven from Hell” and I put my iPod on shuffle right now and that song came on :) That made my night.

Attention whores. They sicken me. I love attention. I love positive attention, and strongly dislike any negative attention. So I guess that would not classify me as an "attention whore" like many others. I don't look for it either. It comes to me. I love compliments. I get complimented on my style a lot. I don't understand why. I dress pretty shoddy. It's nothing too special. I've been told that I can make anything unsightly look good. I wear either really baggy or tight shirts. I don't like bras. I wear skirts that don't match with my shirts. I have old jewelry. Yesterday I was talking to Elizabeth and she told me that I wear things that are truly vintage. I told her that they are only junk. She then told me that she buys things that are supposed to look like junk and are over priced. I don't pay much for how I look, and people compliment it a lot. I love theater. I'm not too good at it, nor am I bad. I get on stage and give it my all. Does that mean I seek attention? I don't think so. If I do, I only want to seek the awareness of my drama teacher. The drama class I am taking is not a serious class though. I've learned a lot in it despite the fact that it’s only a unified arts course. I don't have a lot of close friends. I don't hang out with a lot of people. I'm not a party animal. Quite frankly, I tend to keep to myself. I'm not a loner. People know me and talk to me, I just don't care. You see, attention comes to me. I like it though. The difference between me and some people is, I don't go around trying to be known or seen or loved. It just happens. I'm not saying that I'm known, seen, and loved though. I wouldn't want to not have attention.

There are many changes that happen in one person's life. Changes. Changes can alter your personality completely or can change people around you. I am proud of how I’ve changed since high school. I can care less what people think about me. I used to be obsessed with my looks and popularity. I should put some before and after pictures up. Heh. I am really into my art. Before I would be like, "Ew they are going to think I'm weird." But truth is, I've always been really weird and different. But I always tried to cover it up. It never worked. So I just needed to be myself. I love it. I feel free. It's nice. It really is. Fuck everyone. I hate self-image. I hate everything about it. I changed. I deleted my myspace because I was OBBSESSED with it. I wanted to have the most picture comments, and comments, and friends! I had about 2,500 friends. It was crazy. I didn't even know the people. I wanted to be a cool kid, but now I don't go out looking to meet people like a lot of teenagers do. I let people come to me. It's a better feeling. I have confidence. I don't think too highly of myself but I don't think poorly of myself either. I have the right amount of confidence and people respect me. I'm nice to everyone now. I don't have a lot of friends, but I don't need to have 4203939403 friends. I'm fine with a few. Nobody is really mean to me. I feel that if I'm nice to people, maybe they will be nice back; and for the most part, people are really nice to me. I love it. I'm open to anything now. I want to be adventurous and be open to a lot of things. It's better that way. I don't live in a box anymore. I don't allow myself to. It's horrible that way. I try to help people. I want to see the good in people. I want to be a good person now. I used to want to be a Queen Bitch. I feel that’s not a way to live. I love how I live now, and I think that living this way has matured me. I accept most challenges, and I understand what is given to me whether it’s a gift or a reaction. I wish that people wouldn’t be as small minded but they can’t help it. I just wish that I could help.

There is no way to delineate it.
This feeling that is inside
I'm longing to hide.
I feel that it needs to go away
I 'm not sure what to do
If only I knew.
I know that it feels like pain
All the people I thought that I knew
They always say "I'll get back to you"
But what they said
Kept leaning back and forth
Now all these thoughts in my head
Only leads to confusion.
I keep away
And try to be alone
But I still can't describe this...
This feeling, But I know it's cold.
I'm just so ravenous to understand
Because I need to finally understand

I know so many songs by heart. I know words to songs that I don't listen to anymore. Today I heard a David Bowie song that I never listen to anymore and I knew all the words. Anna Leonard and I had a concert today during my 5th period singing My Chemical Romance songs that I haven't sung along to since I saw them in concert about two years ago. I knew most of the words. I'm listening to CocoRosie, and I know most of the words. I love them. They are really good. I know a lot of Cat Power songs, and really lame Hilary Duff songs that I haven't listened to since 4th grade. I'm sure that a lot of people have a bunch of corny songs that they know and don't even realize it. It's really amazing how our brain just keeps those words in our head, and then when we hear the melody, we automatically retrieve what words we know. I feel that is truly a beautiful thing.

Coal comes from dead organisms. It's a fossil fuel. In science class, my teacher has a reasonable teaching method. She gets the text book and has the students each say one thing about what they read. The students also contribute facts that they know about the subject which is nice. I like my science teacher. She's not a bad lady. But I feel bad that everyone bothers her. She doesn't deserve it. She has a better understanding of biology than earth space science. That's cool though. I'm really hngry I can't wait till lunch. There are going to have French fries. There is a student in my class that sits next to me. His name is Joseph pages. He's nice. He is a wanna be art kid. But he's not bad. I admire him. He's really smart. He just doesn't try. If he did he'd be classified as brilliant. There are a lot of people like that. I'm not dumb. I just don't apply myself.

It is currently 3:52 pm
I was writing this blog during my 4th period which is about 10:30 am. The same teacher that I was talking about took my itouch away.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

This is a difficult medium to handle. It's horrible. You have to have so much will power to be able to achieve a piece worth showing as your own. You need to have a gentle touch and a good eye. I'm neither. I have bad eyes and a rough hand and a hard head. I hate charcoal. It's lame. A lot of the people in my art class don't have the patience for any of their art works to begin with, so to hand them charcoal and to tell them that they are expected to give their all killed a lot of people. I usually try really hard to show my art teacher that I care, because I really do, but charcoal really discouraged me for some reason.

I feel like no matter how hard I try to impress him it is never enough. I never tell him that I try. He does notice. He doesn't care though. Maybe if I tell him that I do try really hard to impress him, he'd care. I doubt it. I'm not cut out to be a pretty girl. I've been trying though. I actually flat ironed m hair. It didn't look good to me. But everyone told me that I looked good. I never believe it. He is a dick. I hate him. I hate that I care so much. He's so nice. But I hate him. I hate how he cares about himself so much. I really do. I am going to ask him if that kiss meant anything to him. Or why he was all over me is it because he cares or he wants me? He gave me a hickey. He told me not to tell anyone. But why? I hate that I need to confront him about how he's making me feel. He makes me want to cry. I hate it. It's truely pethetic. It's disgusting. He he's always talking to those girls. The pretty girls the girls that he wants me to be like. The girls that I will never be. The girls that think that they are better than me. They have no depth to them they are mindless. It's sick. I don't get why he won't accept me for how I am. I hate it so much. It hurts I don't get why I don't forget about him. He's not worth it. Facebook, camel crushes, and parties make him sane. They are his pethetic muses. But I want it. I want to be with him. I want to cuddle. So I'm going to sleep to dream. Bye.

Today I noticed that a pimple I've had on my upper lip for a few days, was becoming quite red... I always pop pimples like nothing. I don't get them often and when I do, they are really small and "popable". But this one... Oh man. I tried to pop it and it really hurt. It was as if it was under the skin! It burned and stung, and felt as if someone had punched a bruise. It was such an odd thing. I've never had a pimple like this one. So I am going to go to CVS and purchase something to help it.